Never let it be said that the WrittenWord crowd is behind the times. Tiger Woods has, apparently, done his 6-week sentence for boinking his way across America. He’s hitting the Masters in his victorious return from moral turpitude, and we’re still waiting for the first definitive guide to his escapades. For now, here are a few books to tide you over:
How Tiger Does It purports to teach you to be like Tiger Woods. You’ll learn to be fearless, focused and well-balanced in your approach to work and life. According to the Amazon book description, you’ll also learn “emotional balance”. Do you think the editors would like that one back? What they don’t tell you on the book jacket: How Tiger Does It includes a new bonus chapter: Learn to drive backwards while sexting on your cell phone.
How I Play Golf is a golf learning journey by the master himself. I’m not going to make fun of this one. No matter how absurd his off-course antics, the guy can swing. Cough. Oh, wait, I just made fun of this one. Oh well…
Then the books really get good:
Training a Tiger: A Father’s Guide to Raising a Winner in Both Golf and Life. Yep. It’s a child-rearing guide by Tiger and his dad. Earl Woods clearly isn’t to blame for his son’s shenanigans. Tiger’s all grown up. But Tiger might want to read this a few times: He’s probably got a few yet-to-be-discovered sons out there somewhere. Best to be prepared.
There’s also Think Like Tiger. Think like Woods? I don’t think I’d want to do that, even when he’s walking the Masters, getting ready for his next mind-boggling drive.
Follow the Roar: Tailing Tiger for All 604 Holes of His Most Spectacular Season. I’m sorry. This one’s just too easy. I can’t take the bait.
Quotable Tiger (Potent Quotables). Yep, you too can use classic Tiger Woods quotes in your daily lives. Just stay away from stuff like “I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you.” That’s a message he sent one of his girlfriends, apparently at the same time he was saying “decency and honesty are what matter”.
I’m a meanie
Yes, it’s true, I’m harshing on poor Tiger Woods as he tries to get back his Masters mojo. Someone has to. Most sports media pubs are so excited that he’s back to boost their readership they’d forgive him for flaying kittens. I’m not quite there. Maybe he’ll send me an autographed copy of Getting Naked With Tiger Woods, by Valerie Gray. Another title so ridiculous you know that I did not make it up.